what has been happening

Miel 发表于 2006-10-24 16:46:59

there are periods in life when everything seems to become blank as you forget to record down the daily lifes that revolves around you. there are also periods in time when u disappear and come back to realise there are changes an environment which used to be familiar to you.

i had been spending a lot of time at teng's place. every night cuddling her to sleep through the autumn nights. i become unreachable from people who are important. family members, people who live around guoding road. so when i finally decide to spend more time in my own room. everything becomes so condensed, as if everything hanging on a limbo suddenly wants to explode with emotions.

and i am talking about feelings, people identity, authentication of friendships. of past and present.

so what issit that's haunting and bothering me?

its as simple as things like this:
1. i come back to feel as if there are many secrets building around the mysterious period i am not at home.
2. if there are things you can always contact me.
3. let's talk things out.
4. i am saddened at events where people build animosity among own friends.
5. my family has been borrowing money behing my back to solve their daily crisis and their small business operation as a caterer.
6. lack of jobs. i dun think i can really be saving up money on time for the business venturing. eventually cutting down on the percentage as a stockholder.
7. and become of #5 n #6, i am seriously considering whether i can still travel as pre-planned.

so what is that air so thicked that makes me feel wary of secrets? god knows. i hope someone will spend time telling me. or at least clear that air and let me see some ｌｉｇｈｔ.

complications is not something i can buy.

and speaking of that, the anger and dispair when i heard from my mum that they had been borrowing money from relatives to coup through the hard times in singapore. i felt cheated, having a good life here, eating good suddenly, believing they are doing fine and all. there is always something going on in my mind and my biggest wish is that they can start saving up money for themselves and not worry about money over and over again. imagine at their old age, they have no savings and need to borrow Ks here Ks there, it makes me feel like shit. surrounding me are people who never need to worry about money, how can i not be green-eyed over the spiced-up life then?

of course there had been good times. when times spend with teng moving around the city, to zhu jia zhui; to xu jia hui cathedral; to restraunts i had been avoiding as not to be a spendthrift; the hours of walks that passes throught the god-speeding city of shaghai; the night hours of cheap supper; the once in a while indulgence in cooking; and the continual sending of postcards to teng whenever i went on a trip; and the growing support of photography from her.

and hence i neglected the people around me, so when i come back. something seems to have changed. secrets. building up of dark moods. or maybe there is a lack of importance in building bonds and connecting with people.

fuck that. troubles =.=

things to do: make a trip to the city when i finish off my 2 rolls of film. its time to digitize my films soon.

that might have to include buying a dvd player for my desktop as well. -.-

hell bitch. i dun fucking get it. i dun spend their money now. and yet they borrow money for fuck!

zzzZzzzZzz 郑心淼你也是够他妈的。。


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