of memories

of memories
48 weeks ago: 01 25 04 livejornal

chinese: re-forming. evaluating thinking.
hurt: heart stolen. i give it to someone to be given to someone else.
with a small clique of friends doing nothing and wasting time.
had a nightmare last night i wun make it to china and i will bum and shut all windows to the world and hide.
very confused.
resolution for this year failed: unable to be optimistic.

sunday
wait: for mum to bake finish cake. delivery to girl.

ignorance is bliss: when i see her, i felt such happiness to see her again, not supressing myself, refraining myself from feeling good. i wanted to touch her beautiful hair again. to do what i always do: lift her long silky hair up and put it behind her ears neatly. but i did not. i covered my mouth while i speak to her, for i had been smoking. i did not stop smoking. i begin to smoke more and more, going from lighter ciggerettes to no filters self-rolled ones. my left fingers are stained by the grass. i wanted to touch her so much. my heart tells me so. but i did not. when i look at her lips, i frowned i dunno why i did. i just frown.

she asked me to stay a little while. she got something to tell me. i cannot. my parents were waiting for me in the car. she said it's important. i did not stay. she again frets and pouts an walked away. it's always very painful to see her that way. feeling vexed wondering why she cannot understand my situations like these. it's not that i dun want.

she msg me: she's attached to someone. a friend of mine. when i saw the message, i felt a sting of pain indescribable. it is worst than hearing she's leaving me. it is worse to know you try to get back but you cannot. it is worst than you know you want her back but you cannot see the future ahead, and provide security for her and u dare not. i was in real pain. i know i have lost her..

i dare not answer her phone. dinner was a torture. when i reach home. i lay on my bed, grabbing my pillow tight. i told myself: you are a damn idiot. now u lost it. it took me a very long time to call back. i dare not say much. i only ask her to say what she want to say. non-chalant, acting suave throughout. listening each of her words twisting in further, wrenching into my heart but i dare not tell her let her know how i feel. she cannot come back. i dare not allow. and now's she really not coming back anymore. the pain is unbearable. once i pressed the phone away, i wept; i have lost my heart stolen by someone i do not wish it to be stolen, the guy, for my heart was with her, and he stole her heart. some say orpheus turned back for a reason, he really miss his love. i dare not turn back at all throughout. i want her good. occasionally, i give in to my heart and i kissed her, hugged her, not wishing her to go. but each time i bore down more pain on her. i am confused. very confused this few months and i thought i will be happy once i see where i am heading i can tell her more. now i am totally lost. it din turn out the way i want it. i did not tell her enough.

i cannot sleep. the rain poured down with its freezin taint, as if to make me realise i am the stupidest bastard in the world for not daring to try. i talk to andy. he tried consoling him. now i know how he felt. it's like rearing a daughter and then giving it away to someone. i love her. i see her in my future, i dunno how to tell her in my way. her hands delicate fits nicely. i love to hold her hand. but i cannot anymore. 4am. i still cannot sleep. i feel so cold.. as if all warmth has left me. i know she is happy. she would definitely. someone is trying to care and love her while i hide and dare not, shunning away for what i want. i am really the silliest cock in the world for doing it. but i cannot believe it to be a friend..that is a painful part.

she told me today we seperated in oct. dec he chased her. jan together. so what. i finally know that i had been lying to myself. i dun want her to go at all. but at the same time, i dare not get her back into my life. i had planned in doubles, and then my life changed in swift moments and i had to replan my life as one.. but i secretly wish she will follow me whereever i go. now.. it cannot be so. he was with her today. i am alone with companions who try to console me. in front of them, i try to laugh it off. but its really painful. eating the handmake noodles reminds me of her.. took an hour to eat finish and i still feel hungry. i did not eat the whole day. i have no appetite. went to get my photos in causeway in the afternoon i heard the song quexi by sammi cheng.. and then i remember the first song "let's fall in love" karen mok.. when will all this stop spinning. i wish to cry again real bad. i have no one to hug. i wish to hug her so bad.

i cannot if i do hug. i am a goner. i really feel so tortured now..