what do u know. u know nothing.

just because i dun speak. to hell with u

i am happy i am gay

the past weeks of insecurity..the pasts week of decandence.. made me feel renewed.. i din write anything for the past months.. did not keep track of my expenditures..what are expenditures..why must we always be financially safe? have i given up the thoughts to keep track to lessen the burdens of my family?

i moved house again. the experience was a dread as always. altogether i should have moved house 8 times in 3 weeks time. in a year. what is going in my life. was it a pact i made to myself, that the social movement causes me to be in this state i chose not, but a laughing stock created by my way of living?

i am happy i am gay.

i feel so unlucky since i came back to shanghai.

my uncle died. his death causes me to feel life is important, meaningless. people had been trying to cheer me up. my housemates recently bought me a strings of buddha's beads; being too skinny i wore them at my left foot. i fet safe and happy. there are people who care for me. there are always thoughts that will surfaced up, i wonder whether i will end up dead one day..and that nobody knows that i died till i become part of the nature..

i spent the week drinking.. smoking..time seem so hard to pass in autumn. by six its dark. when i feel its 11pm already, its only 8pm.. i stayed in a one room apartment for a night..the room smelt of moth balls. there was no electricity it was cut. i dun feel comfortable. and yet the same time i could sleep. not peacefully, but i did not dream at all. it was contradicting. now i will be sleeping at a sofa in friends; apartment for 3 weeks. i am reading a lot more. i am not playing shattered galaxy or conquest. i felt there are not much distraction less for my ciggies and my beer. i enjoy freezing in this cold night.

i met one day those japanese who lived opposite my apartment last time. they were eating beef noodles. i have no idea why we were eating there 3am in the morning. serene and me.. recently, her friend shirley;s in town. we din communicate much. but she is interesting. i din met anyone interesting for a real long time.

i have problems communicating with people. lionel new guy in the block. lolli and serene. and now and then friends my housemate.

am i still happy and gay?

i believe the impression of my classmates and housemates of me, me as someone who dun attend classes.. i seek knowledge.. but there are loads in my mind. i am happy i am gay. i stopped gaming. its not that hard. i feel pressured to read.. i missed out so much. i wonder when i can finish reading all those books that weigh tons... why are they in chinese?

this mongolian guy said most archaelogists wun have children.. i smiled..perhaps there are things destined in life.. i feel lonely sometimes.. its been 2 yrs since i have sex.. i miss lynn. but i know i will move on.. its not the sex.. but the ability to love again.. to be tender again. shanghai has made me a harsh person..harsher than i used to be..yet i refused to let go of my past.. be less cynical..depressing..morbid..

when will the time come.. i felt i am moving to the next phase.. the real phase of knowledge gathering at last.. it took too long.. one year of decandence.. only that now i can live in decandence and yet know what i seek is coming..

can i smile ? i am happy and gay. but have i smiled beautifully like last time? at things so little that burst me into wild excitement. now i comprehend everything with different angles before deciding whether its worth it. and some things that are not worth it. i continue to persue.. i see a future that people deem as impossible.

monetary life? impossible. i talked with my brother. he knows that i am mentally exhuasted and thinks that i should just go back take a break when i finish my studies. no i will never go back. singapore is not for me..

i will push till myself till i become dust and bones.. should i not be able to influence then at least i know my bones had taken it all... and i have not live in vain in my own way.. love.. no more.. life continues.. wings are broken, meant not i need to fall and descend further...

i went to shaoxing with BIRD, it was a good experience.. the only i abhored was my uncle;s death when i was away. he affected me much

bird is now in beijing.. settled down fine. living in an apartment near world trade centre for 2700rmb.. my goodless.. this is luxury life for me.. not for me..not my style..

i need to be whacked and to be pressured.. to be hung on a crucifex not to save humanity, but to feed the vultures waitin to fall upon me.

i sometimes wonder one day. 3-5 years. maybe 10-20 years.. later.. when someone read all this.. and all this destroyed my life.. again and my phase is hindered..

what the hell.. what do u all know.. words are just words.. image.. what is image..?

i am here. u are here?
connection torn.
its worse than seeing the screen 10mbps link breaks down a thousand fold.

oh yeah. i took some pictures.
www.photonski.com/miel under china guizhou.
that was during spring. a trip to see and to know.
data is always dirty.

so are you.