Miel 发表于 2006-04-23 02:44:35
why issit when i sit in front of the computer.. ready to write what i want.. i can never put things down as i wish...i watched a movie few hours back.. it was something i watched before.. about a little girl.. and her mum, of an event that miracously switched their body for a few days.. how they overcome the situation and build a better relationship at the end of the story..
many things popped into my mind then.. about my current situation in shanghai now. i grumble a lot about life, how it sucks, how thigns are not meant to be in acordance to what i want. but the thing is, every step i take.. i always want to move forward.. at the end i just refused to let go of the ghosts in my life, things that already happened, things that meant to much that i cannto let go willingly...
lyn had been a big part of my life. for 5 yrs we'd been together. lots of laughter. lots of angry moments. but thinking back.. those 5 years that we had.. i can never remember the sad moments.. though i know i am always fustrated when shit happens. i can only remember how everything began.. how we spend those intimate times together.. how we go beyond curfews and spend evenings watching stars.. watch shooting stars.. going for nightouts in places with beatiful ambience.. how we shop together.. how we frolick together.. how i carry her little shopping bags around.. how each time she look so delighted when i surprise her with little things from the heart.. materially and from handicrafts.. how we went together to try out new restraunts all over singapore.. how i save here and there so that every weekend meant something special.. and the moment when i was in the army.. how she supported me.. and how for once she really cooked for me.. and i ate something.. that meant so much to me.. and our love for tiramisu.. and our love for litte bears and sheep.. and how she endured my persitence in riding the silly yamaha rx, and my indulgence into nature aquarium.. and the many other little gestures that delighted both of us so much..
to do all this again.. with someone else.. i have no courage.. i look at my current life.. and see no hope.. she was my hope.. every plan i made.. even here in shanghai.. includes her.. she did not make it to shanghai.. fear of being not secured in an alien land.. fear of a place that give so little warmth.. and her ideals of life differs so much from mine.. she is like all little girls.. who want to have a steady relationship that blooms into a natural form of marriage kids, stability in social life, security in cash and a shelter above the heads of the family. i can do all this.. but dreams are dreams.. i feel the urge to do the so many things goes through my head all the time.. for if i do not do them.. they will disappear.. and i accomplish nothing.. i am not the kind who records what i had done.. i try to live and feel each day as it is.. and now.. i have lost the simple ability to communicate and anticipate for the future..she was my pillar.. she was whom who supports between the heaven and sky for me.. for her.. i can go through all kinds of hardship to see her smile.. when she is sad.. my world goes into a delirious form of angony in which i cannot solve any problems... that was my 5 years.. and that even words cannot really convery what and how i really feel. for i am no writer...
i met zak. he told about his relatiionship with this japanese girl. he is a musician. a russian. his family like mine. conservative. he is 22. he is broke. that is another story. but when i talk with him.. as the beautiful sunshine pours upn my skin.. i realise i did not move on...
and then now.. suddenly i remember lio.. a german.. mixed blood.. french turkish.. he's the same age as me.. he works hard.. and then he makes sure he travel for a long period annually to rejuvernate himself again. he has a kid.. very adroable..he's divocred.. he's always out for chicks.. and his handphone mpegs.. are filled with things weird.. from sex.. blowjobs.. to weirdos in the world.. and even butt dancing from turkey.. this is lio.. someone i had met.. someone who is good.. and i envy his life...in certain ways..
and there was someone i saw.. who took 2 kids with him.. travelling continentally. it was the 2nd time i saw him. very beautiful kids.. and how it look so pretty as i smiled at him and his kids.. i love kids.. those not my own.. i love to see them smile when i smile at them.. how they hide their faces.. how they pop out their faces to look at me.. and this continues on till the kids lose their concentration.. i love to see their beautiful eyes.. and their bubbly faces..triggered with mischevious and naivety.. i cannot imagine how my kids will look like next time.. but i really do love kids.. i imagine having 8 kids.. who travel with me wherever i go.. i use to be able to picture who the lady who bore all this lovable kids were.. and how at ant any one time.. one fustrated kid of my own.. might be climbing on top of my head.. pulling my hair in fustrations, shrilling for attention for a lollipop or ice-cream.
and there is jie jie.. i promise her that i will find someone who can teach her proper english.. and how i said i will try to help her if possible.. she was someone i know since i arrived here in shanghai in 2004.. but till now.. she is just an internet friend. whom i never met.. whom i never know her in real life.
and there is mr cyprus.. my housemate for 2 weeks.. someone whom i try to keep in touch with now and then.he loves music.. he loves art.. he has a passion to build up a surrounding that supports those people he value together..something that i dreamt many years back.. but not now.... i like this guy.. we had the same birthday this year.. falling on the same day.. we drink sometimes.. we go sing together sometimes.. and to me he is real.. working hard as all this generation of chinese youngsters are doing. i would like to visit his province one day in the north.. getting away from this busy shanghai for a momentary period for relief....
i met this street haggler..whom wanted me to do some charity work.. whom give a book about indian religion.. when i said i only can give 2 dollars.. he wanted to change the book for something smaller.. which makes me pissed.. and sad.. isn't charity something about coming out from the heart.. and not something of material existence?
and that i remember reading about pablo piccaso.. and about his significant work guernica.. and about i need to pass the book to this ann girl.. cause i want her to read that book.. for she give me a very strong feeling she might be interested to read something about western art..
and how frida karlo, diego rieria and many other mexican artist captivates me with their work..i believe in one thing.. that good works of art.. whether they are movies.. novels.. art paintings or crafts.. those that can last through time are those that have significance culturally, historically, socially, scientifically, that can mark the changes in the world we live in, providing valuable information for us to tap upon to realise how different each and everyone of us are.. and not just simply because they are aesthetic.. and i believe that there will never be a great 10 years like in the 80s for chinese contempary art.. and that if art should be evolve for the current chinese artist.. one cannot look back to the past for answers.. that duplication.. copying the styles of famous people.. is only temporal.. unique is something that has to be tested upon the rough waters of creativity to be flowed out to the public...
there are issues about should art be funded by the mass.. or by the elites.. does the outcome differs? we all know that the answers are very real to now.. that generally.. the mass supports.. and its significance.. but putting only elites into the picture.. will only create a certain beauty that connecti to a high life of being. look at degenerate art.. issit really so degenerate.. or was is a propaganda needed by facisicm...
i am tired. i dun think i can record what was in my mind, at that moment in which i thought out what i want.. what i really wish to record.. lets hope it finally come back again.
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